Wonkette
Like every American city these days, Denver is filled with tragically insane homeless people. But what will happen when downtown Denver becomes a terrifying Green Zone of a million cops surrounded by a million hippie protesters? Will this make the starving, mentally ill, drug addicted people living on the streets uncomfortable? Maybe! So they’re going to be rounded up and sent to the Denver Zoo.
Tight security around the Pepsi Center means some homeless people will get booted out of their regular camps along the South Platte River. Then, there’s the protests and parades.
“A person who typically sits under a tree in a park that is now occupied by 1,000 protesters won’t have the peace and quiet they’re desiring,” Parvensky said. “Particularly those with mental illness can’t cope with crowds.”
In order to clear the streets of hobos provide a calm refuge for the thousands of sick people living on the streets of a wealthy American city, the homeless will be given tickets to the zoo so they can be terrified of scary giant animals such as lions and gorillas and elephants. This will also be fun for any families who go to the convention and decide to take a day off to visit the zoo.
The homeless will also be given movie tickets. Buses will take all the homeless to the movies and to the zoo.
Rumors abound that Denver’s huge population of desperate, crazy and impoverished street people will be herded onto trains and taken to a concentration camp in Aurora, Colorado. But the people who decide the fate of the homeless in Denver say this isn’t really true.
Props to the Rocky Mountain News for the hilarious headline on this story, because nothing’s funnier than mentally ill people living in their own shit and then being forcibly removed so rich politicians and media celebrities won’t see them.
Hey buddy, can you spare a movie ticket? [Rocky Mountain News]
If I were them, I’d hold out for Vegas.
On the upside, Aurora is a great place to buy tires or rent a mini-warehouse. These whiny homeless are probably the ones Phil Gramm blaming for causing the recession that we aren’t really having.
How about free laundry service and a shower for most of them?
Who wouldn’t want to drive that bus?
Sending a bunch of permanently hungry people to a place full of animal enclosures — yeah, that’s gonna get ugly fast.
WORST ZOO SMELL EVER.
Cool story, but what everyone wants to know is who won the wonkettini contest!?
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/jul/15/homeless-hey-buddy-can-you-spare-movie-ticket-duri/
That picture is not of homeless people. Those are crusties, and they’re the exact people who will be outside the convention yelling about The System™ and how 9/11 Was An Inside Job™ (which is was, obvs) and singing Holiday in Cambodia and smelling like shit.
Giving them access to the Zoo is a horrible idea. They’ll end up “liberating” the animals who will in turn attack them and everyone else.
Ha-ha. Denver police are such pussies. LA just dumps their homeless to “undesirable” parts of town. No fuss, no muss!
http://articles.latimes.com/2005/sep/23/local/me-dumping23
I vote for airlifting them to Minneapolis.
JeffGoldblum: A la Jurassic Park, mr. Goldblum?
JeffGoldblum: Yeah, the photo editor in Denver apparently doesn’t know the difference between The Homeless (shit-crusted pants, no teeth, yelling at a tree, probably a Gulf War veteran) and the crusties who ride the bus back home in the ‘burbs every few days to maybe shower, apply new gel & coloring to their hair, and put on a fresh misfits t-shirt from hot topic.
JeffGoldblum: Crusties getting attacked by animals is a bad idea?
Take the skinheads bowling, take them bowling…that’s what this headline reminds me of.
JeffGoldblum: I would pay good money to watch a tiger attack a crusty. Can you say “fundraising opportunity”?
Ken Layne: Well, to be fair, they both have track marks.
Ken Layne: And skid marks.
Give ‘em all a copy of Atlas Shrugged, sez I. We’re talking prime Paultard demographic here.
About this new development Barbara Bush was quoted as saying, “Well, seeing as how they didn’t have much that should work out real well for them.”
Ken Layne: Veterans, shmeterans. The crusties are holding a sign begging for “BOOzE”, which is in line with the average American’s view of the homeless. Why confuse your readers with pictures of real homeless people when you have a perfectly acceptable picture of a stereotype?
Ken Layne: They also have to check Guerrilla News to find out what to talk about for the next two weeks.
Ahh, the generosity of the human spirit. Sometimes it moves me.
When my town has company comin’, we give the homeless $20 and a bus ticket to Houston. It works.
The Denver Zoo is AWESOME and here’s why!
There are famous DC people there!
Visit number one to the zoo:
Took the kiddies on the mini-train that goes around the park. It’s wide enough for kids, but if you’re an adult, you’re crammed in, with your knees up around your chin. Anyhoo. Was waving at my daughter as she took on on the train and noticed that there was one adult in the train who fit perfectly, but looked miserable. It was Michael Dukakis (believe he has grand-children in Denver). It was almost as bad as him in a tank, but not quite.
Story Number Two:
Was throwing something away at the zoo and there was a guy sweeping around the garbage can. He was mumbling to himself and I thought he was a typical random Denver crazy/garbage guy. Then I heard what he was muttering. Kept saying “Heck of a job, Brownie. Heck of a job.” Over and over again, louder and louder. I turned around and there he was, Brownie himself. Two weeks removed from his firing over Katrina. I guess the garbage guy at the zoo knows it when he sees it.
…The woebegone fellow in that photo looks like a Dapper Dan man to me….
You can get the zoo out of the crazy, but can you get the crazy out of the zoo?
Heh.
(voice in head: “What does that mean? I don’t know what that means.”)
Just think, if they did this in LA the mentally ill homeless woman I saw taking a dump on the sidewalk only blocks away from Grauman’s Chinese Theater, could instead be taking a dump inside Grauman’s Chinese Theater! Maybe in the seat during a screening of Mama Mia! Progress in our time!
I checked out the Rocky Mountain News headline…and the accompanying foto of Joe, Johnny and Jason begging for boozed along Speer Boulevard. Say, given the good looks of these three young hunks, why not hire teh gayz as escorts for fat white Republican congresspersons…make a little money off the homeless and fuck the zoo and movies?!
These homeless will notice nothing until they are herded into a large holding cage and are asked to pet the friendly lions.
ARE THERE NO PRISONS????
ARE THERE NO ORPHANAGES???
Yes, the Democrats, the big tent party, party of the little man, the party of compassion, the party of hope and change and change and hope, suddenly is seen for what it is — none of those things . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zl_UI0P7nug
The “Denver Zoo”. Ha ha Wonkette; you continue to amuse me with stories that can’t possibly be true. Next, you’ll tell me Tampa has an igloo museum.
Ken Layne: Hot Topic should discontinue those “Blow Job 4 Food” t-shirts.
flagold: oh jesus, you’re still here?
flagold:
“If I had a ban-hammer,
I’d ban you in the morning
I’d ban you in the evening
All over this LAND
I’d ban for your dia-tribes
I’d ban you for your existence
I’d ban you for all the things, the lovin’ and the hatin’
ALLLLLL over this site.”
flagold: I clicked on your goddamned link because I thought I might find something that made me laugh. I think you discovered the fabled “brown note” because now I want to do nothing but shit all over that damned guitar. FU.
No need to call me Jesus — I’m perfectly fine with “Master.”
Advocatus_Diaboli: oh, and I see you brought a video. Show and Tell is on Thursdays, though, so put the video away and take out your crayons for our special coloring time.
Venerable Ken Layne, from the depths I cry unto thee: BAN HAMMER flagold and his ilk. No longer diverting or amusing, please, reach out to them. Yea, you touch the branch and the whole tree withers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kislM3VpcQ
Somehow the name “Pepsi Center” lacks…gravitas.
flagold: I applaud your patriotism and your heroic commitment to Middle America.
shortsshortsshorts: Dangit, I wuz gonna do that one; I even looked up the actual text.
Are there no prisons? And the Union workhouses, are they still in operation?
magic titty:
Hey, hobo man, hey Dapper Dan. You’ve both got your style.
But buddy, you’re never fully dressed without a smile.
flagold: The party of the little man? Munchkins? Hobbits? That guy from Willow?
tunamelt: The Lizard People.
hey, everyone, the Official Wonkette Facebook group reached 200 people. A milestone.
shortsshortsshorts: The Lilliputians?
tunamelt: I suspect I’m being monitored, but okay, fine. Good call.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl:
Well, here’s another you’ll like better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAOUw1XQDhI
tunamelt: Hottness. Surely our whore diamonds will just totally DESTROY the Paultards in an avalanche of tyranny.
flagold: Is that a video of your roadtrip to Paultardpallose?
CometHasTheFloor: It is the best group ever.
What the article didn’t tell you is that while they’re all being given movie tickets, the tickets are all to Love Guru.
tunamelt: You are a long-legged mack daddy, Tuna.
shortsshortsshorts:
A road-trip to truth, which seems to be lacking in regards to energy nowadays, and sadly, people will starve because of that very shortly.
The first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4I_LWav7YA
ronaldpagan: Dude, someone called me “quite hot” in the discussion boards, so I feel like I owe it to Wonkette to pimp that group like a two bit ho.
There only relocating the homeless because they haven’t found a consistently successful way to turn them into mailboxes.
flagold: You really have yet to grasp the concept of a YouTube video. If you want to make a point, it needs to be:
1. Interesting
2. Catchy
3. Not Boring
4. Any other word or phrase to the same effect.
I.e., not something that is an indulgence in narcissism that provides no value, be it intellectual or for entertainment, to anyone ever.
DarkSynergy: It’s not so much the bus as it is hanging out with a multitude of naked hobos as their clothes are laundered. Hobo-dick takes more than one shower to remedy.
flagold: Marry me!
MoodProcessor: Or gasoline.
flagold:
You know what you remind me of?
In blind drunkenness, realizing that your drink has a cigarette butt floating in it.
You like someone taking a dump in the pool.
You are a turd in the punch bowl.
A stinging, crusty eyelash.
An extra, gangrenous digit.
You’re a pain in the ass.
You’re an infected pore.
A zipper-trapped pube.
A pebble in the shoe.
A hang-nail.
Shit.
ronaldpagan: NotUrEvryDayWEzl:
I’m not in the habit of marrying dead presidents, but you can fly along with me in this film, as long as you’re up there in Heaven with the rest of the dead Conservatives . . . (say hello to Jessie Helms and Jerry Falwell for me).
http://www.dotsub.com/films/ferry/index.php?autostart=true&language_setting=none_3352
flagold: “JessIe Helms”?
Please do not tell me that there is Another.
flagold: OK! I kinda skimmed through this during a commercial break on the original boob tube, and it is MUCH more interesting! Music is a bit outdated but you can’t have everything I suppose.
For the Athens Olympics they ‘disappeared’ all the stray dogs and cats.
I don’t know what they are rounding up in Beijing, but I suspect they will take their cue from what is acceptable in Denver
I guess they’re going to have to round up all the homos in Minneapolis to prevent any more embarraments for the Republicans.
Social Darwinism rocks!
We usually just drop ours off in Fort Worth. They do have a pretty good zoo there, and some nice museums. It’s like a great big field trip. Yay…
melving: I think you mean make it easier for the Republicans.
I think I like the hobos who identify with the otters the best. I’ll be spending my time with Otter Hobos.
In other news, regular people will now have access to city parks and the library. Everyone wins!
melving: Dude, the homos are the republicrats
Donkey Sauce: or maybe I just validated trickle-down theory???
who is this “flagold” and why should we pay attention to him?
i don’t understand.
where are angryblakguy and titslarue?
it wasn’t some sort of trade, was it?
in nyc, in the eighties, i suggested to the mayor that we burn
the homeless in the heating furnaces of city hospitals…thereby, solving
two problems at once, homelessness and high fuel costs, but he rejected
the idea. i guess he wasn’t smoking as much as i was at the time.
maybe now, with oil so high, it’s an idea whose time has come?
They used to do that with dissidents in the Soviet Union on May Day. Except they killed them afterward. Alexandre Solzenitzen wrote about this in a little known essay from 1967 called “Yes, That’s Too Bad, But What Did You Think Of The Movie?”
wonkette made it to youtube!
“I don’t care,” said the 62-year-old, who expects to land in jail
for vagrancy during the DNC.
3 hots and a cot. been there. done that.
it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Don’t ever get in a fight with a homeless guy. They have nothing to lose.
Also, San Francisco has the best/worse homeless people. They have set up huge camps in Golden Gate Park that are fast evolving into massive city states like Sparta and Athens, but with more buttsex.
THAT is the greatest picture of GeoW. Bush I ever saw.
Can you do one of McCunt?
wonkette8: I like those videos, but this one really does explain everything to all those Paultards who seem to be trolling this site recently:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
loquaciousmusic:
he’s gay.
Thank God Wonkette is liveblogging the premier of Project Runway. Making clothes out of zoo animals for homeless people is the best challenge ever!
tunamelt: Facebook? I refuse to use. But you alllllmost got me to sign up.
All this talk of hobos got me whippin out the geetar on that ol’ Woody Guthrie tune:
Go to sleep you weary hobo
Let the towns drift slowly by
Can’t you hear the steel rails hummin’
That’s the hobo’s lullaby
I know your clothes are torn and ragged
And your hair is turning gray
Lift your head and smile at trouble
You’ll find peace and rest someday
Now don’t you worry ’bout tomorrow
Let tomorrow come and go
Tonight you’re in a nice warm boxcar
Safe from all that wind and snow
I know the police cause you trouble
They cause trouble everywhere
But when you die and go to Heaven
You’ll find no policemen there
So go to sleep you weary hobo
Let the towns drift slowly by
Listen to the steel rails hummin’
That’s a hobo’s lullaby
Rodney Badger: Really. It’s like constant buttsecks and the occasional dead whitey.
Cicada: Uh, right, that’s exactly what I said.
shortsshortsshorts: So it’s like Wonkette at Paultardpalooza?
Ken Layne: Really? I thought you were saying that the editor didn’t know the difference between crusties and real homeless folks, while I was saying that the editor was catering to the stereotypes favored by his/her audience.
Did I miss something?
Cicada: I am a stereotype who is willing to cater to his/her audience. It’s so unfortunate, but true.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Kinda like that, without a Ken Layne benefactor. I could call it depressing, but the climate is not like ‘OH MY GAWDS GET THEM OUT OF THE COLDS’ bad enough. Most of them are simply tweakers with eloquent ways of extracting money from people (like selling pot laced with hope and change and hopechange).
shortsshortsshorts: OH, I didn’t realize how cute and non-dangerous it was. Tweakers are to Paultards as squirrels are to rabid raccoons. I might have to take a trip out that way to visit such a pristine landscape.
Borat: “I don’t know what they are rounding up in Beijing” It’s all on the menu.
BTW, yay Denver! In the mental health arena, this is very advanced Bus Therapy. The city will probably get an award and a fistful of Federal grants. If the zoo and movies get boring, there’s an excellent symphony orchestra. The superb museum of western art should be something that campers can relate to. And Red Rocks is to be running a perpetual Moody Blues concert, according to the Inter Tubes.
Rodney Badger:
Agree w/you @ the homeless in SF being the best… Only place I’ve ever been confronted by a beggar asking for $100 for a cup of coffee..
Photo looks like a young Bill Murray to me… but he’s so yesterday, half of you folks probably don’t even know who he is.
1 final thought? — Simon/Garfinkel singing “At the Zoo” — pigeons are reactionaries… etc., and Again! you folks probably never heard of them….. sigh…..
tonashideska: Yes! Airlifting the homeless to Minneapolis is a great idea, although it seems heartless to make them associate with Republicans.
shortsshortsshorts: Hopefully one day I will know what group/stereotype you fall into. My mind is racing at the thought of an entire group that says “eat a bag of dicks” as part of their cultural identity.
sanantonerose: I don’t understand. Without the Facebook, how do you play the online Scrabble?
Cicada: I am surrounded in Hobos, and I live off the ash of yesterdays wood burning. OH. SWEET. BURNED. CINDER.
Instead of telling people to eat dicks, we tell them to give us dicks to eat, because in our group not one bitter can afford to burn the precious gasoline.
shortsshortsshorts: You make it sound like Disneyland.
tunamelt: “Dick-eating Hobos of the Caribbean”? It works for me, but the marketing tie-ins would be a nightmare. The difficulty putting it on a McDonald’s cup, for instance.
Gee, that’s better than food, and a home, and shit like that, any old day! I’m moving to Denver to become a homeless person. I’ve never been to a zoo. I did go to the movies once, before they were like 10 bucks. Now, I’m a hard working American white person…so I rent the videos, of course. Why does Barry hate me?
I know how yesterday we were talking about Sonic showing commercials in markets where there are no Sonics anywhere… but Dunkin Donuts does it, too. I just watched a commercial for Dunkin Donuts and there isn’t one for less than like fifty miles in LA. Why?
tunamelt: Republican economic stategy. Soon you will begin to crave dough fried in fat, and bad coffee to wash it down. Then, you will fear to lose it, so you will vote to tear down all of the great looking old buildings in your city, just so you can have more strip malls filled with these types of eateries…anything for deep fat dipped bread and brown water. But, hey, it will pull us out of this “rough economic patch” and put people back to work, so there you go! I know, you’re welcome!